Depression. A black cloud envelops you. Total loss of all motivation. Even though focusing on a task helps you get out of the deep, deep hole, you tend to put off everything including things that make you feel better.
People say, "don't think negative thoughts," but that really doesn't work. The feelings are on the inside even when you laugh at a joke or pretend everything is all right. It's the feelings that attract negative thoughts, not negative thoughts that cause the feelings. The deeper the depression, the more negative the thoughts our brain will pair with the feelings.
A lot of the time no one can see into the darkness that consumes a depressed person. But inside looking out is a different story. An individual’s perceptions and reactions are filtered through the haze of misleading feelings that have no basis in reality. All too often your brain is looking for outside events to blame the feelings on. One arbitrary word could be a trigger for an exaggerated, misunderstood, or inappropriate response by someone suffering from depression.
In a depression you want to not give a fuck, but everything that comes along holds some pain for you. Every little thing seems to be exaggerated. You sometimes say and do things that blow your cover and alert people that things inside you might not be as wonderful as you are trying to portray. There's the loss of self-confidence, feelings of inadequacy, regret, grief, guilt... all seem to be in the mix. It's hard to focus on anything but the desperation and hopelessness you are trying to push back into the depths of the abyss that it's escaping from.
There's a physical aspect to depression as well. It can manifest itself as burning in your chest and under your arms, a feeling of muscles tightness around your throat and face. Legs may feel paralyzed and it almost hurts to move. I's a physical manifestation of what your brain is doing. You can power through it sometimes, even though it can be a monumental task just to get out of bed to go to the bathroom. You may experience lethargy, and are prone to making mistakes.
Some depression is caused by drugs, and some people self-medicate with drugs. Marijuana is commonly used for self-medication. It's the least harmful drug you can self-medicate with and even has some benefits. It also can, at times, CAUSE depression. Alcohol is the least helpful drug you can self-medicate with! It's absolutely destructive! But no matter what you take to alleviate the pain, it always comes back to haunt you when the drug wears off.
Depression is a constant torment. It can be different for every individual, but we should all share the pain. There are too many people I know who suffer behind a mask of wellness. I'm sure there are even more who I'm not aware of who hide it well. I don't know what can be done.
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